Thankful

Of course it's that time of year...well almost anyway, when we all start expressing the many things we are thankful for. Thanksgiving is a wonderful time indeed; my very favorite holiday in fact, and a time we should focus on all that we have, although I strive to live my entire life in a state of thankfulness-not leashing my thankfulness to merely one season in the year. I love all that involves autumn, fall, thanksgiving, the change of season...all of it births warmth in my soul and for that I am grateful. I'm grateful to be alive to embrace such goodness. I know I'm getting a head start on the season-but that's ok, I can do that if I wish and so I shall.

Tonight I'm especially thankful. If you are a faithful reader or an old friend, then you know my story. I'm thankful for you, I'm thankful I have so many wonderful friends and loved ones who have supported me throughout my journey. I may have some new followers who aren't aware of my circumstances and may not understand why my heart is brimming with gratefulness on a random night like tonight. It just hit me all of the sudden. Emotions do that to me now and then.

The past few weeks have been difficult. They've been awfully heavy. I've dealt with disappointments, fears, worry, unimaginable financial struggle,
anxiety, and more. I could easily say I have been ready to give up on certain things in my life. But I've pushed through and while the storms are not over, I can feel peace in it all and I know it will be alright.

In the midst of my dark and troubled thoughts, I always grasp on to the light of knowing my children are healthy and happy. Tonight it hit me stronger than ever....as I laid down with my precious miracle child. The child who tries every ounce of my patience, yet I love her with every fiber of my being. She was the one I was told to abort. Or I would be dead in 5 years. That was a little over 8 years ago. I'm still here.
I was asked, Why do you need another child when you need to care for the 3 you already have?" Those words were like daggers in my heart. My innocent, unborn child. She was placed in my womb through no thought or action of her own. How could I, a lowly human make the decision to take her life away? She was not aware-nor was I-that not only was she placed in my body, but that an unwelcome guest known for instigating relentless fear and terror was also taking residence in my once strong, vibrant, and healthy body.
That terrible disease we all dread. The big C. It's black and ugly and no one wants it near.

"My dear, congratulations, you are pregnant! Oh yes, and, you have cancer. I'm sorry, you will have to abort your baby I'm afraid." Shock. Unbelief. Terror. Denial. These things I faced head on. And conquered them I might add.

So I was pregnant. And I had breast cancer. Lovely combo. But I was determined to fight and win the battle. No time to waste. I did as much research as I possibly could in the 3 days between my diagnosis and my surgery. Not much time at all. I wish now that I'd been able to do a few things differently but no use crying over spilt milk. I'm here and that's all that matters.

I was pushed into chemotherapy. I didn't know very much about alternative therapy. I had been a nursing major so I knew a little about what I would be facing but not nearly enough.

I had a wonderful network of friends and family who carried me through this dark time.

I delivered a beautiful healthy baby girl 6 months after my diagnosis. I went on and had chemo. She went with me to every appointment. I remember the nurses at the hospital would cry when we came. They said they just could not believe my strength. I'm not too sure what the alternative would be. Perhaps throw a fit? (I'm sure I did plenty of that when no one was looking)

I was very sad I could not nurse my baby. I tried on the "good" side. But my milk never came in. I'd nursed my other babies before her and felt robbed of that special bond with her. But she thrived regardless.

She is amazing. She had one developmental evaluation and passed with flying colors so we never went back.

Tonight, while I lay with her, as I always do, this overwhelming gratefulness flooded my soul. Like I said, I do try to live with a thankful heart, but sometimes life seems to pass by in a rush, and these deep feelings are not expressed. As I stroked her soft cheek, smelled her sweet head, and ran my finger down her profile as I always do with my babes, (I love to feel the shape of their noses-it's just such a miracle to me) my eyes welled up with tears and overflowed, my heart swelled up with emotion, and I wept. I wept in thankfulness.

I could have better clothes, I could have nicer furniture, (baby girl still sleeps on a blow up mattress) we could be able to travel and buy nice things, but none of that matters really, in the whole scheme of things. Of course, I do the proper things people do when they are struggling financially, visualize the poor, starving little Ethiopian children who would be grateful for a crust of bread, whilst my spoiled American kid's turn their noses at my lovingly prepared meals. I explain and purposely admonish them and myself, of the blessings we do have when compared to third world countries. We are indeed blessed. But tonight, that thankfulness runs just a bit deeper. I never want to take what I've been given for granted.

If I've learned anything through all of this, is compassion. I've learned that no one is immune to struggle, pain, and hardship. When I thought my life was perfect, I was presented with circumstances completely out of my control and was given a chance to fight. And fight I did. And fight I do and will continue to do.

I am thankful for the strength I have felt through my faith. My faith has kept me. It has given me peace in the midst of a storm. I can't thank my Maker enough for allowing me to walk through this valley. While I would wish this journey on no one, and would not have chose this myself, I know it has made me a better person, and one who can now reach to others and lift them up when facing uncertainty. I am thankful.