Feeling so Thankful

Well with Thanksgiving almost here and everyone on facebook posting their daily thankful post I feel a little behind in shouting out how thankful I am for so many blessings in my life. I could never post in just a few words how thankful I am in my heart for all the things God has done for me. He has truly blessed me beyond measure and I am so grateful.
One of the many things I am thankful for in particular tonight, is having taken notice of Gods hand on my life since I was a small child. I had fears and strange thoughts as a little girl but God kept his hand on me and brought me through. Looking back, not only am I thankful for the things He brought me through but I'm thankful for the things he kept me from. Now that I am grown I look around and see the messes people have made of their lives and I can only say "but by the grace of God there go I". I've watched many people make terrible mistakes that reap results they end up having to live with that have detrimental effects on their marriages, children, and existance. It grieves me; yet it causes my heart to fill with thanksgiving at the graciousness of God for sparing me such turmoil. I thank God for incredible leaders and mentors in my life; individuals who were not afraid to tell me when I was headed down the wrong path. People like Rod Fultz, Nathan Morton, Kristi Morton, Elder Morton, Mary Jo Thompson, my parents, and many others who took the time to lead me and guide me down the path of righteousness. As a teen, I could so easily have slipped to a place of misery and disaster, but because of His grace and mercy I stayed pure and escaped the grasp of Satan in my life. Of course I was not perfect, I made mistakes as much as anyone, but I am so thankful that He had mercy and longsuffering for me and picked me up. I'm thankful that the influences in my life helped me to stay pure until I married my husband. The scars and trust issues so many people struggle with today because of their past are not familiar to me.
I only hope and pray I can be such a mentor to a young person today. When I counsel young ladies, my mind goes back to the choices I had, the choices my friends had, the ones I made and the ones they made and where we are now because of them. I hope and pray someone loves my children enough to guide them as I was guided. I can do my best as a parent but they will need outside influences. I pray for this daily.

I'm also thankful for peace in my home. Even though the economy is bad and I lost my job, I have peace knowing my life is in His hands. We may not own our home, we may be living in less than desirable conditions, but God is faithful and He provides our needs.

Lastly, for tonight anyway, it was the 5th anniversary of my last chemo treatment on November 16th...I can't believe how quickly time has gone by...Ava is 5 years old. I prayed I would live to see her go to Kindergarten and by God's grace and mercy I am actually teaching her kindergarten and I am so happy and excited to do so. God has truly answered all my prayers and is faithful, just, merciful, and kind. He never leaves the righteous forsaken nor his seed begging for bread. He's my healer, my provider, my Saviour, my deliverer, my strong tower, my rock, my comforter, and the author and finisher of my faith. My hope is in Him, my trust is in Him and He holds my life in the palm of His hand. I could never thank Him enough for His unending love and concern for me. Delight thyself in the Lord and He shall give you the desires of your heart!!!

Oh one more thing, I'm also very thankful for my iRobot roomba vacuum. I don't know what I'd do without it and I can't wait till I get a scoomba too.

Love to all!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Homesick...this is for Michele

Song by Mercy Me on "Undone" Album

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times

And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you

But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry

Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face

If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place

Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways

The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know

But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same

Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face

If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place

Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbyes

And in Christ, there is no end

So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have

To see you again

To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face

If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place

Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

...in loving memory of our friend, Tiry Ray Scott.

Graduated with honors from this life January 14th 2005

Left behind...a gorgeous wife, Michele, three stunning daughters, Chelsea 12, Alli 10 and Dakota 7.

AND TONS of friends and family... he will never be gone from our thoughts and hearts.

Bacon and eggs...in Heaven!!!

That is what Ty Scott is feasting on today I am sure!!! He is no longer suffering, his body is healed and he is HAPPY!!! We are sad that he is gone but his gorgeous smile and loving heart will FOREVER live in ours. I don't think he ever knew the meaning of the word "rest" so I won't say "rest in peace", instead I will say, "Fix our mansions up for us Tiry...remodel them till they are better than even God can do!!!" I know he would be thrilled to do it and Heaven is a perfect place where we can do what we want right??? So have at it Ty...you got all the tools you need!!! We will be anxiously awaiting the day we see you again...

Dakota said, "Did you hear about my Dad? He died." I answered, "Yes honey I did but you know he's in Heaven now right? He's not sick anymore!" She says,"Yeah, and he's like,"Why are ya'll cryin' down there?" He's like sayin' "Let's have a party!!!"".

Our spirits are willing...but our flesh is weak

I haven't blogged in awhile...that is because everytime I begin to search myself for something worthy of blogging about, I get all emotional and tweaked out about "things". I serve a BIG God...one that will NEVER let me down. Of that I am sure of. Nevertheless, my flesh is weak. Not because of my recent illness or treatment either. It's because my heart is so heavy for the one's I love who are facing extreme unfortunate circumstances right this very minute. I don't know what tomorrow holds for me-but right now I am carrying the burden of my friend's impending death. I cannot avoid blogging about it anymore. Don't get me wrong, where there is life there is hope and I believe in miracles. I would not be surprised one bit if God decided to raise Ty up and he were to ask for bacon and eggs. Until that happens though, I have to reflect on what is actually happening right now. That is the fact that he is dying. It hurts to type those words. I can truly say however, that Ty is ministering to SO many peope right now. His life is such an incredible example for us all. I was remembering that just a few weeks ago (actually about 2 months-it just seems like weeks) when I dropped Chelsea off or something, Ty came out to my truck and said "Hey partner!!!" Of course I was like "hey!!!" and we talked for a bit you know but what I was thinking was "you know we ARE partners in all of this"...some people would tell me,"no you're not because you're not facing the same battle he is" and no I may not be and no I don't want to either but rather than look at his circumstances as hopeless, I look at him as a total pillar of HOPE...I really mean that. It may not be hope to live forever but it is hope that no matter what we face, we are able to endure. He is a true picture of that hope. I don't anticipate having the same situation but I do know that if I do...I will ALWAYS be able to "be partners" with Ty and Michele. And so the title of this blog "our spirits are willing but our flesh is weak". We are willing to trod the path He has chosen for us...our flesh may get in the way with its weakness but we will overcome any and all obstacles we come against. Michele and I are planning a cancer booty-kicking Half Dome climb in the spring...

Ty and Caeden- January 2004

What Cancer Cannot Do

Cancer is so limited...

It cannot cripple love

It cannot shatter hope

It cannot corrode faith

It cannot destroy peace

It cannot kill friendship

It cannot suppress memories

It cannot silence courage

It cannot invade the soul

It cannot steal eternal life

It cannot conquer the spirit

This is my friend Tiry Scott...he is a genuine example of one who has not allowed the degrading, ravaging and invading disease we call cancer to reduce or diminish his zest for life and his absolute love for his family, friends, church and his faith in God. He is a pillar of strength no matter what his state of health is. Always positive, uplifting and concerned about those around him rather than himself. He is truly an inspiration for anyone faced with uncertainty. When life handed Ty one of the worst possible scenarios, he has chosen to live life to the absolute fullest, never wavering or breaking, just always plodding faithfully forward, trusting his Maker in complete submission.

You are a hero Ty!!!

You are MORE than a Conqueror!!!

"We shall believe the report of the Lord"

Ya know...I used to love hats, as you can see...

As of right now, I still like them but they have definitely a found a different place in my heart/wardrobe. I used to consider them an instant touch of glamour...my cheap shot at looking great without much effort. I still use them for that but its much more begrudgingly now. Its hard to coordinate EVERY outfit with a cute hat...especially maternity clothes. NOW especially "clothes you wear when you can't fit into your pre-prego clothes". It's really quite a challenge!!!
Since some of my friends have been describing their hair loss experiences lately, I thought I would add my story as well.
I want to warn those of you who love and care about me SO much that the truth about my feelings and emotions is difficult for you to bear not to read any further. If you have trouble with these feelings you have my permission to avoid facing these realities without hurting me. I do understand. Hopefully, if you are reading this, you know me well enough to understand I'm not on a pity party...really this is to share my experience WITH my friends who love and care about me not those who are merely curious. Anyway, here goes my first attempt at exposing my feelings beyond day to day living...

I had hair past my waist and had so since a child and short hair had never been "me" much less none at all. I knew the time had come for the hair falling out session. I also knew that I did not want my kids to see it coming out in huge clumps everywhere. I decided it was going to come out all at once-while they were sleeping. I had talked to them about it explaining the fact that Mommy had to take some really strong medicine that had some funny side effects. One of those being losing my hair of course. I told them I would wear lots of cute hats and bandanas and that my hair would grow back soon. They both seemed just fine with the idea...in fact, Chandler still thinks I wear the things to KEEP my hair from falling out...hmmm, I just go along with it!!!So, back to the big night. I told my husband he was going to have to help me and we got started. First he started brushing it all out. Clumps were coming out but we could tell that with all the hair I had and the length that it was we were going to be busy a looooooong time. So, I braided my hair in one big thick braid and I put a rubber band at the top and the bottom then my hubby hacked it off. I couldn't believe it. It felt so awful to have that hacked looking hair to hang down the sides of my face. Then he shaved the rest of my head while my face was buried in my arms and I sobbed and sobbed the whole time. It makes me cry to think back...I had my "warm sleep cap" in my hand for when he was done and I put it on before I would look up at him. I just couldn't bear the thought of him seeing me-I felt so humiliated. He made me though...he kissed me and told me I was cute. He said I looked like a movie star. I bawled even more at the love he was able to pour out on me. He just kept kissing my tears and telling me it was okay, he still loved me. He didn't deserve this to happen to him. I did look up once during the whole deal and saw my beautiful braid laying there and I yelled for him to take it away, that I did not want to sit there staring at it. I think it took me 2-3 weeks before I would even look at myself in the mirror. I know alot of people take this part as a fun sort of adventure and I admire them for that however, that was not how I was able to handle it. My hair had been my identity it seemed for quite a long time. It really made the whole thing so much more of a reality...I would look in the mirror and think,"I really am sick, this really happened to me". The good news is "THIS TOO SHALL PASS...and JOY cometh in the morning" and I knew I wouldn't always be like that.

I honestly looked forward to losing my hair as I anticipated the fun hats and bandanas etc. but I did not anticipate the trauma that I experienced during the process. I'm glad we did it the way we did...Since I had told my children I was going to lose my hair, the next day I had a hat on and I was like,"Hey guys, it happened, okay let's get ready for school!!!"
It was still hard...I felt like everyone would be staring and giving me pity parties and I don't like that sort of attention. Being pregnant at the same time I was so paranoid...felt like I looked like a tick ya know??? I found bucket style hats to be the best cuz they hide the sideburn and upper neck area the best. Of course I ALWAYS wear a bandana UNDER the hats-just in case its a blustery day or my 21 month old tries to yank...wouldn't that be a sight!!! The bandanas help the hats to stay on better anyhow-kind of takes the place of hair with the knot in the back-its kind of like a little bun/ponytail.
Well, now I am nearing the end of my treatments and my hair is already growing back!!! I can see light at the end of the tunnel!!! Right now Ava and I are racing to see who can grow hair the fastest. Hey, maybe by her 1st birthday we can both have pigtails!!!

This is my "kick off" blog...WELCOME!!!

First of all, I would like to give you a brief description of my family and I and what we are all about. My husband has been a minister with the United Pentecostal Church International for 14 years. He evangelized or travelled throughout the United States visiting different churches for all of that time until nearly three years ago when we took a position here in Sacramento CA. We have been married for eight years and have three children. Elise is six, Chandler is five and Caeden is seventeen months. I am due in October with our fourth child!!! Hopefully this gives you enough information to understand my life and situation-I will be posting much more in the future!!!

I am beginning my blog with an article that I was asked to write for the Apostolic World Report Magazine which is affiliated with our church. It is a basic overview of my journey. I will be adding my personal journal pages shortly!!!

Diagnosis: A Cup of Suffering
Prescription: Sustaining POWER
After living in a travel trailer for most of our marriage, our dreams were coming true-we attended the greatest church on earth where my husband was youth pastor and also pastor of a brand-new branch work in Davis CA. We had three of the most beautiful children in the world and we had just purchased our new home!!! We were elated…life was sweet.
I must take a glance back at the old trailer days where I pulled my laundry in garbage sacks across a field to get it done. As tiring and old as that routine became, each time I made the trip, I would thank God from the bottom of my heart that I was not sitting at the bed of a sick child of mine. I would thank God for life, for health and for all that we had. (then I would sweetly ask Him for a house!!!)
During that time, we had two dear couple friends of ours to endure extreme hardships with the long sicknesses and eventual passing of a child. My heart broke with theirs during these times. I could only pray that sustaining power would befall them in a miraculous way.
One Sunday evening during a ladies meeting, our Sr. Pastor’s wife Mrs. Wilson opened up the meeting for discussion to anything anyone might have on their heart. I was hesitant to step out but my heart had been so heavy for my friends and I was so overwhelmed by the fact that they had indeed received that precious sustaining power, I did say very briefly what I was feeling along those lines. Mrs. Wilson looked at me and said “God is going to use you in that!” I immediately felt an unbelievable heaviness come upon me knowing that I indeed was going to be used but that first I had to experience it first hand. I prayed earnestly,” Okay God, just don’t let it be through one of my children!!!” For several months I endured this extreme heaviness seeking God to be sure I was well equipped with this great sustaining power.
We were elated on March 12th, 2004 to find that we were to be parents once again! This would complete our planned family of four children and we were overjoyed. It was during this week however, that I had been experiencing an strange twinge in my left breast. I thought perhaps it was due to my pregnancy but there was this nagging thought that it was more than that. After a few days I felt the spot where it had been hurting and sure enough there was a lump as big as an eyeball! One of the biggest fears I and I’m sure many women had was taking place in my life! I still hoped it was nothing…perhaps it was just a clogged milk duct. (I had just weaned my one year old six weeks prior.) So I made the dreaded appointment and my ob/gyn confirmed that there was indeed a lump that needed to be tested right away.
Three days later I had a needle biopsy performed. The next day, my doctors office called and advised me to come in right away and to be sure not to come alone. My husband quickly made arrangements for the children and also told me that our pastor’s wife, Mrs. Young was also going to accompany us. When we arrived at the doctor’s office Pastor and Mrs. Wilson were also there as well as their other daughter Rebecca and her husband, Doug Salters. I was so grateful for this great display of support, yet I knew in my heart that they knew things were more serious than I had hoped.
We all trooped into that office! Were we ever a sight to behold! They ushered us all into a room and one of my doctors very kindly informed me that I did indeed have breast cancer and that I was to see a surgeon that very day. I did not fall apart or weep and cry-it was as if I was simply carrying out a task for the Master and I knew that He was in total control!!! There were plenty of strange stares as we all filed out, I was already praising and thanking God for the miracle He was doing in me. We all traveled together to the surgeons office where I was immediately scheduled for a modified radical mastectomy. Then we went out to dinner!!!
My surgery was scheduled for Tuesday, four days away. The Sunday prior to that day, we received a telephone call very early in the morning before I had even risen. It was my husbands previous pastor from Texas, Pastor Wayne McClain. He called to say that in prayer he felt impressed to tell us that “The symptoms were going away.” We wept and thanked God for His awesome “Sustaining Power” once again. I knew that from that point no matter what I faced, the situation was always going to be getting better.
We had no insurance when all of this took place therefore, we had no idea how we were going to pay for all these expenses. To make a long story short, the day before my surgery, I went to the office of a woman who was also a breast cancer survivor who was over a special state program for people like me. In less than thirty minutes she handed me papers that guaranteed complete coverage from beginning to end!!! This was such a miracle as the hospital would not process my admissions papers without some sort of insurance verification.
On Tuesday I went in for surgery. I had such an awesome team of prayer warriors and supporters! Mrs. Wilson had even changed our regular ladies prayer time from ten o’clock am to two o’clock pm which was my scheduled surgery time so that all the ladies would be praying throughout my surgery! It was incredible.
I made it through the surgery just fine, thank God! I knew though, that my biggest mountain was when the pathology report came back to tell us how serious this cancer was and if it had spread etc.
I was told later, that during the surgery, the surgeon had come out to give my loved ones an update on his/my progress. He told them at this time that I was fine but that it looked to him as if the cancer had already spread to many lymph nodes. He was very downcast. He said we could not be sure until the lab reports came back.
I was released from the hospital after two days. The next day I had an appointment with the surgeon to review my test results. Again, my support network was absolutely amazing. Pastor and Mrs. Wilson, Pastor and Mrs. Young, Doug and Rebecca Salters, my parents, my brother and his wife and my husband all piled into that little office. When the doctor handed me the report I did not want to look at it fearing I would misunderstand what I saw there, so I waited for him to give the review himself. He said, ”Well I took out 22 lymph nodes because many of them looked suspicious to me however, only one was malignant!” I was overjoyed! I had certainly been prepared for worse news. I had temporarily forgotten about the reports only getting better and better!
He did tell us that the cancer had been quite aggressive and large and that chemotherapy would definitely be advised.
I cannot begin to write of all the miracles and obvious workings of the hand of God throughout this time! From helping me to find incredible doctors to giving me the strength to actually complete this journey. His hand has been upon me every step of the way.
My cup of suffering is not completely empty yet, in fact there are times when I feel I’ve only been sipping from it slowly. I wish sometimes that I could gulp it down and get it all over with but that is not possible…it is so good to know that in spite of this, my never ending source of Sustaining Power is like a Super Size with free refills!!! I believe that no matter what I face, ONLY GOD can give me the power to sustain through it all. This is part of my brokenness towards Him and I can truly and sincerely say that I know I was not simply called but chosen for the bearing of this suffering and though rough it has been a beautiful road.
While there have been doctors to say that it is probable that there is still cancer in my body and that it is very likely for me to suffer a recurrence, I KNOW SO MUCH MORE ABOUT MY HEALER!!! Today, I am six months pregnant and I believe I am cancer free. That is a promise I plan to hold on to ceaselessly in the precious name of Jesus who is truly the author and the finisher of our faith.
I cannot begin to adequately thank the precious members of The Rock Church in Sacramento CA for their endless generosity of their time and selves in aiding me in my recovery. My heart is so full of thanksgiving to this wonderful body of people. I thank my pastors Bishop and Mrs. Wilson and Pastor and Mrs. Young for their incredible support during this journey. I would not be where I am today if it had not been for them. I thank my husband who is my best friend in the whole world for standing by me through thick and thin and for being such a strength to me during all of this. Most of all I thank my Heavenly Father for allowing all these tremendous people to be a part of my life. Without Him I can do nothing.
Though I was diagnosed with a Cup of Suffering, it is easily remedied with Heaven’s greatest prescription of Sustaining POWER!